In the process of becoming missionaries, God likes to "tighten up your bull works" as Peter, my sailor, would say. He shows you, and at times it's down right overwhelming, the areas of your heart you haven't allowed Him to completely possess. On a conscious level, you just cannot see these blind spots. The Holy Spirit must uncover what our senses and the world covers up. And some of us aren't going to like this part very much, but more times than not, it is through suffering and struggle that this phenomenon happens. Sadly, we live in a way that insulates us from pain and the refining fire of the Holy Spirit.
I used to think it was God's punishment when bad things happened that were out of my control, but through experience, I see it now as His loving intervention. Maybe that was what Paul was getting at when he said he rejoiced in his sufferings. Do we think Paul was a glutton for punishment? Or was it that he had discovered the key to intimacy with God and the transformation and renewal of the mind that comes from the process of suffering. In my life, I have found this to be true.
Here's what the renewal of the mind can look like. I want you to imagine the scene of my life for a moment. I am answering a call of God to leave everything I know and move my family to Uganda to build a Retreat Center. The struggles that come with that are monumental, if you could imagine, the pressures, fears, and temptations push in on me daily.
Then, the enemy takes advantage of the situation and attempts to make me doubt my calling, myself, God's truth and His love for me. For a moment, I think this thought, "It is true that I have many failures and disappointments to look back at. My life hasn't turned out so well after all. Maybe I should listen to what people have said about my failures." Shame is standing right over me, pointing its finger. My foot begins to slip.
But suddenly, I look up at Jesus, and I see Him on the cross, with the shame of the world pointing at Him, jeering, "Just quit you failure!!" I grab hold of His robe and I cry out, "Lord, tell me what you think of me!"
And, His kind yet powerful words came like a flood over me, "Haven't I redeemed your life through all these failures and rescued you from greed, selfishness, and blindness? Haven't I healed you of fatherlessness and hopelessness and insecurity my child? So what if I choose to use what others call failure. It is my good pleasure to do so. My ways are not your ways! Your soul is more precious to me than earthly success and man's approval. Look my daughter, at what we have accomplished together in the trials. You trust me at last, and you no longer have an orphan Spirit. You behave like a child of mine who trusts and obeys no matter the cost, not out of obligation, but because you know my love never fails and you love what I am doing on the earth more than your own interests. Haven't I given you the tools and opened doors to helping people in a lasting way? We know each other in a deep way, and we share everything. Your heart no longer belongs to idols or man, but you willingly gave it over to me because I held you through the pain and sorrow, not them. I trust you now to serve my people and bring light into the darkness.
Do not go back, and do not let anyone take you back to the past. If you do, I will have to let you suffer the consequences of despair and anxiety, not because I desire that, but because I want you to never go back. I am jealous for you! I have clothed you with compassion, mercy, and love. These are what I desire most. I love you. I approve of you. Stay the course."
So I say to the darkness,"No more shame!" Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done!
